All Jokes Aside: columnists call for USG cease and desist, begin campaign

Ricky Mulvey, Seth Shanley
Mon, 12 Feb 2018 16:20:28 +0000
Opinion, all jokes aside, cease and desist, corruption, featured, monorail, ohio state usg, student government ohio state, turning point usa, undergraduate student government, usg

The members of the All Jokes Aside ticket will not bother you by campaigning on The Oval. Credit: Jack Westerheide | Photo Editor

Ricky Mulvey and Seth Shanley are members of the Buckeye Standup Comedy Club and joke-loving columnists for The Lantern. Mulvey is a fourth-year in finance and Shanley is a second-year in journalism.

Undergraduate Student Government must cease and desist all activities immediately. USG is to submit a list of essential activities to “All Jokes Aside” by midnight on Valentine’s Day.

That list will be reviewed by “All Jokes Aside.” Until such time, USG is not to engage in any activities. Especially campaigning.

Why is USG on cease and desist? Multiple reasons.

Last year, USG candidates covertely accepted money from Turning Point USA, a right-wing political action committee. USG agents also bragged about their corruption in a lame text conversation. ?

Whether current candidates are taking money from TPUSA, or any other political action committee, remains unknown. But at Ohio State, evidence is unnecessary to issue a cease and desist to any organization.

USG’s indefinite suspension will act as a constructive time for its members to reflect on the broken promises the organization made to Ohio State students.

Current USG President and Vice President Andrew Jackson and Sophie Chang said their proudest USG work was advocating for the Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals program, known as DACA, which allows immigrants who entered the United States illegally as children to stay in the country and find work.

Jackson and Chang promised to lobby for DACA in Washington. They failed to honor their promise and cancelled the trip because they “believed the act would pass.” Now DACA hangs in legislative limbo and DACA recipients worry that they will be deported.

Jackson and Chang assumed the act would pass. You, smart reader, know what happens when you make assumptions!

We can’t say for sure if USG’s cancelled lobbying trip led to DACA’s current trouble, but we can definitely blame them.

USG is up to nasty stuff, as evidenced by an anonymous email. At Ohio State, an anonymous email is grounds to stop an entire organization from doing any activities.

This fabricated document’s validity must not be questioned. Credit: Courtesy of Seth Shanley

The biggest benefit of the cease and desist: USG members are not allowed to campaign this election season, clearing the field for us to take the student council throne. You also will not be bothered on The Oval.

If a college politician tries to tell you who to vote for in this year’s USG election, you can just yell, “Cease and desist!”

The more USG campaigners hear you shout this, the more they will laugh and laugh at the delightful banter. Everybody wins.

We, the All Jokes Aside campaign, will not bother you on The Oval during the cease and desist. We have crippling social anxiety.

Our reign of power, as student-council leaders, will be prosperous.

A monorail, a magnificent electric snake, will soar over campus. This levitating one-track wonder of transportation will run above the Olentangy River, glide down High Street and demolish affordable housing during its construction.

Like dogs on The Oval? We love dogs. After we win the student-council throne, we will release 600 stray dogs on campus.

Lastly, we will unilaterally decide all Middle Eastern proxy wars from the Ohio Union.

When it’s time to vote, just write in Seth for president and Ricky for vice president. No last names because this ticket only comes in first. It’s a monorail ride straight to the top, baby.

Editor’s Note: This article does not necessarily reflect the views of The Lantern. The views expressed are solely that of the columnists.