Satire: Columbus’ One Nationwide Plaza yearns for romance with LeVeque Tower

Jacob Hollar
Thu, 13 Feb 2014 03:54:58 +0000
Campus, Columbus, downtown, huntington center, leveque tower, one nationwide plaza, rhodes state office tower, valentine's day

One Nationwide Plaza in Columbus displays a heart on the side of its building.
Credit: Jacob Hollar / Lantern reporter

Love is in the air — even 500 feet above ground.

Valentine’s Day is annually celebrated on Feb. 14 and, in a bold move sources say was inspired by the holiday, One Nationwide Plaza, a 37-year-member of the Columbus skyline, has declared its love for nearby LeVeque Tower.

“I don’t know where it got the courage,” said Mary Anne Whickerbottom, CEO of Nationwide Mutual Insurance Company. “I’d never have the courage to declare my feelings so publicly.”

“Nationwide has been talking about his feelings for LeVeque for months,” said Huntington Center, another long time member of the skyline.

“LeVeque this, LeVeque that … he wouldn’t shut up. So finally, I look at him — we were drunk — and I look at him and I say, ‘Look Natty, you’ve gotta tell LeVeque how you feel, man’ and I guess he listened.”

“There’s a big heart shape he puts on display every night,” Whickerbottom said. The shape is created through selectively lighting some of the skyscraper’s windows.

“I don’t know what this is costing us,” Whickerbottom said. “But it’s all for love, and you can’t really put a price on that right?

“Seriously though, we’ll just up our rates or something — no big deal.”

Nationwide said it appreciates the support.

“Whickey, Hunty … those guys are great,” the roughly 480-feet tall monolith said. “I couldn’t put myself out there like this without them.”

The skyscraper has yet to hear back from the 87-year-old tower, however.

“She hasn’t responded yet … but I’m not worried,” it said. “That’s how those Art Deco buildings are, ya know?

“They have to play it cool, stay aloof. It’s part of their charm. That, and those sweet turrets and those terra cotta tiles – oh, and that foundation, don’t get me started. She’s got a foundation that goes all the way down to bedrock, if ya know what I’m saying.”

While Huntington and Whickerbottom might be supportive, other locals find the whole affair disturbing.

“It’s weird,” said James A. Rhodes State Office Tower, also a skyline member. “I don’t know why these guys want to make fools of themselves.

“I can only speak for myself, but I’m trying to stay above all the depravity,” the building, currently the tallest in Columbus, said. “I don’t want to sink to their level.”

Nationwide said it hopes to hear from LeVeque by Friday.

“I hope she answers,” it said. “But I’m kinda nervous, honestly. What if she’s not into younger guys? What if I’m too short?”

“I’m sure it’ll all work out,” Whickerbottom said. “These two would make the cutest babies — or, uh, whatever skyscrapers make. I just hope any children they might have don’t grow up to be strip malls.”

At time of press, LeVeque Tower had not responded to multiple requests for comment.